Ep9-Joseph's super powered knockout punches of DOOM!!!
On this episode, we find out some of the stressors in Joseph Smith's life that lead up to his acquiring the plates. Failing at a new marriage, living in the attic of his parents resource starved house, a father in law that hated him, what was Joe to do? Get the gold plates once and for all, no matter who stands in his way! The family drama is unbearable, the stakes are the survival of the family, and the consequences are dire...
Outro music used with permission
Hello, and welcome to the ninth episode of the Naked Mormonism Podcast. We have a lot to talk about when it comes to Joseph Smith getting the plates home after he dug them out of the ground and stashed them in a tree. But before that, there is some business to take care of.
Since episode 8 I have recieved a substantial handful of new patrons to the show. I didn't think the sales bitch would work as well as it did, but some of you must like what I'm producing enough to secure it's perpetuation, and I sincerely thank you for it.
There weren't any new NaMo Juvenile delinquents, but the Adolescent Rebelhood saw a bit of jump in membership. Hal, John P., Marie, and Charlton Simons. Thank you guys very much for what you are doing to further the show. It means a lot when somebody is willing to give some of their hard earned money to the show, which isn't a task for the faint of heart, so I really appreciate what you guys are doing.
Next in the NaMo family is the new Apostates. George G., Doug H., Jim G., and James B. While being an Adolescent Rebel is good, these 4 individuals decided to take things to the next level. Their kindness and generosity is only surpassed, by their amazing level of intellect and wisdom. These four gentlemen hold a very special place in the heart of the podcast, and help to ensure it's continuation with every donation, and I could not be more grateful for that, so thank you guys very much.
This is all good and well, but all listeners must beware. NaMo outer darkness has been opened with a new NaMo Demon, Julie Thomas. Julie has always been a very nice and attractive woman, and while walking down the street, she frequently had to deal with construction worker's shallow whistles or cat-calls of approval. There was a construction site one block from Julie's job, that she had to walk past every single day during her lunch hour. Unfortuantely, contruction sites aren't free from loud noises and dangers of every conceivable nature, and this day was no different. Julie had been contemplating her existence for quite some time, and had been actively searching for the answers to questions of eternity, and the meaning of life. While she was walking past this construction site, on her fateful translation day, she had finally realized the truth of her own existence. That there is no afterlife, no eternity for human souls, no punishment for sin, just humans being humans living and dying on earth. As this painful, yet liberating realization surged its way through Julie's mind, she happened to be walking past the dreaded construction site near her job. Just as this thought hit her, a massive crane cable holding a 10 ton steel beam loudly creaks and then breaks with an earthshattering snap! Julie is standing right in line with where the beam is set to fall, and she has no idea. Loud noises frequently happen around a construction site, so this loud noise didn't seem like anything worth paying extra attention to. Workers were yelling at her "Hey lady" and "Watch out", but having trained herself to ignore their calls, Julie thought nothing more of what the workers were yelling at her. As the steel beam freefalls from it's near skyscraper height with Julie as the singular target, she notices something glimmering on the ground. With all the noise, yelling, and other confusion that a bustling city street inherently brings about, it's a wonder that she can focus on any single thing, but for some reason she's inexplicably drawn to it. The beam is getting closer and closer, and more and more people are yelling at her to get out of the way, but any itelligible information is lost in the confusion. Just as the beam reaches Julie, she picks up the glimmering trinket on the ground, and there's nothing but blackness.... The beam slams into the ground shattering the concrete underneath it into dust. Any reasonable person would expect to see a pancaked human being under one small section of the beam, but all that can be seen is powdered concrete, and a mangled steel beam. With Julie's new sense of reality, and a glimmering NaMo Kingdom talisman in her hand, the surrounding darkness doesn't make any logical sense to her. But as her new eyes begin to adjust to the NaMo Outer Darkness, in which she has just entered, the comprehension of the reality of her situation settles in. Julie is officially the first and most feared NaMo Demon in all the dark realm. She now holds all the keys to the NaMo information kingdom, and currently holds the revered translation talisman which is used for any apostate that decides to make the translation into Outer Darkness. Julie is truly a great Demon and will be feared in all the realm as the highest and most notorious Demon around. Any Demon that attempts to ascend to the level of Soul Breaker will have to ascend the ranks of all existing Demons and carry out a translation to the satisfaction of Demon Julie as she is the highest ranking Demon around. Thank you Julie for your support of the show and all your correspondence throughout the genesis of Naked Mormonism. I will forever appreciate your donations and other support, as they go a long way to make sure the show continues.
If you want a translation story like Julie here, go to Patreon.com and search for Naked Mormonism to find out what happens when you become a NaMo Demon. But that's it for the patreon shout outs. I did want to address a couple of things concerning the show, though. My monthly costs for the show are hovering around $55, unfortunately that doesn't cover the initial set up costs of the show. That being said, the last person I need to thank is Thad Grace. While Thad didn't want to sign up for patreon, he did make a one time donation that pretty much covered the startup costs for my cheap-ass rookie equipment that I'm using. I seriously cannot thank Thad enough for his generous donation, because now I don't have to include startup costs into the monthly budget for the show, which means more money will be going to the charities the show supports, even sooner than they would have, without Thad's fantastic donation. So, thank you thank you thank you, Thad, you have upgraded my diet from strictly ramen, to the occassional mac-n-cheese with cut up hot dogs in it. You fucking rock!
As for the monthly donations, right now, the patronage is $40 per episode meaning a $25 dollar surplus every month, half of which will be going to Whitefields education foundation, or holding out help. I am absolutely blown away! Less than a month of active patronage, and the show is already running in the black, and I'm able to donate the excess, to these resource hungry non-profits to help Mormons leave Mormonism. This makes the show worth so much more than just the mental therapy that it provides for me, and the entertainment it provides for you as the listener. I'm at a loss for words, as far as how to express how happy this makes me, so I just hope that all the donators know, I couldn't keep doing this without you, and all the good that you allow the show to do. So, I think that's all I need to address about donations and patronage. All of these patreon shout-outs will be done at the beginning of each episode, with listener feedback at the end, after the meat of the episode.
So let's jump into the history of the church which is why everybody is listening to this in the first place.
The focus of this episode will be Joe getting the plates home, but leading up to that, there were some forces present in Joe's life that I believe had a bit of an influence on him receiving the plates on september 22, 1827. Let's just think about the predicament that Joe had dug himself into leading up to the translation of the book of Mormon. For a few years now, he had been telling his money-digging friends that he would be digging plates, made from gold, out of the hill Cumorah, a little ways from his house. These guys had been running with Joe and Big Daddy Cheese, Joseph Sr., for a long time and had come up dry with every dig they ever performed. But Joe had revelation from an angel saying he would receive these plates, by the power of God on a specific day at a specific time. This day and time was well known by his buddies, which were getting more and more anxious every year until 1827 that Joe came up dry with the plates. Most notorious of his fellow diggers were Joseph Knight, Josiah Stowell (Bossman Joe), and Samuel Lawrence, and these guys were in it for the long haul.
You see, these guys believed in Joe's grade A bullshit, just as much as he did. And when it came down to crunch time, these guys got pretty antsy. So that was, but one small pressure on Joe's shoulders. He was also a newlywed with a father in law that hated him, that's Isaac Hale of course. Joe had made the adult decision to get married by eloping, without any sort of means to support the responsibilities, that come with marriage. I would wager to say that one of Joe's heads, may have been doing more thinking than the other, because he got himself and Emma into an uncomfortable living situation. The entire Smith family was still living under one roof with VERY scarce resources, and an alcoholic head of the household, and Joe had stolen the beautiful Emma from her comfy homestead, and father's overprotective gaze, in Pennsylvannia, to a destitute, rag clothed family of 11, in New York. He wasn't the provider that society, and Isaac Hale, had expected of him, so he needed a plan. There was also this little bit to throw into the mix. This is from Mormonism Unveiled by E.D. Howe in 1834, page 234. It's a letter written by Peter Ingersoll, and that's who provides the narrative being a firsthand witness.
In the month of August, 1827, I was hired
by Joseph Smith, Jr. to go to Pennsylvania, to move his wife's
household furniture up to Manchester, where his wife then was.
When we arrived at Mr. Hale's, in Harmony, Pa. from which place
he had taken his wife, a scene presented itself, truly affecting. His
father-in-law (Mr. Hale) addressed Joseph, in a flood of tears: "You
have stolen my daughter and married her. I had much rather have
followed her to her grave. You spend your time in digging for
money -- pretend to see in a stone, and thus try to deceive
people." Joseph wept, and acknowledged he could not see in a
stone now, nor never could; and that his former pretensions in
that respect, were all false. He then promised to give up his old
habits of digging for money and looking into stones. Mr. Hale told
Joseph, if he would move to Pennsylvania and work for a living, he
would assist him in getting into business. Joseph acceded to this
proposition. I then returned with Joseph and his wife to
Here we have Joe and Isaac fighting about, essentially, the kind of person that Joe was. It's easy to understand that Isaac cared for his daughter and obviously wanted the best for her, like most fathers do, so he had some pretty stern words for Joe.... Joe utterly collapsed under the pressure of his skeptical father in law, and the consequences for Joe's actions were coalescing, to motivate him to abandon his old ways. Of course he didn't want to work or get a full time job, like his father in law was offering him, but he did have obligations to the lifestyle he was raised in and familiar with.
Peter finished that excerpt saying that he returned Joe and Emma to Manchester, N.Y. To continue living in the Smith household, after Joe's little paddling from Isaac. This is presumeably because Joe had a bit of unfinished business to conclude with his friends and foes before he moved across a state line to live with the in-laws. During their journey back, they passed the supposed hill cumorah. While they were passing it about to arrive to the Smith home, Joe commented on not being engaged in the work of the Lord enough. Meaning he needed to formulate a plan with how things were going to go down, and how he would relieve all these building pressures. Peter continues on in the same letter.
Joseph told me on his return, that he intended to keep the promise
he had made to his father-in-law; but, said he, it will be hard for
me, for they will all oppose, as they want me to look in the stone
for them to dig money: and in fact it was as he predicted. They
urged him, day after day, to resume his old practice of looking in
the stone. -- He seemed much perplexed as to the course he
should pursue. In this dilemma, he made me his confident and told
me what daily transpired in the family of Smiths.
You have to admit, Joe had this coming. He'd been running with this gang of money diggers and thieves for years, and they didn't think anything would change once Joseph got married. They were in for a surprise, because Joe was hatching a clever little scheme to leave them all in his wake. Joe was no stranger to doing this all along his journey to prophet fame, he just needed to get out of New York at this time, and his father in laws house was the best, and honestly, only solution.
Joe and Emma were sitting in a transition period. Any day now, they would be packing up and moving to the Hale household, and Joe's buddies were getting beligerent about the story of the plates being up to snuff when the soon to come autumnal equinox passed. The transition from summer to fall is a fairly significant time of year and change of seasons, to occult practices. I mentioned this before, but didn't go into any detail, so I'll do that now. The occult calendar is split into 4-13 week periods. Now numerology is important when we get into it. 6 is the number of man and 7 is the number of divinity. When things are said 3 times, that's the repetition that's necessary to make anything official when we are talking about spells or rituals, or anything of that sort. So when the number 666 is represented, it's the equivalent of implying the ultimate level of flesh and humanity expelling all other possible divinity. When the number 777 is represented, it implies the ultimate in divinity or holiness, but 777 isn't focused on as much, because fear of 666 is more effective. These numerological conclusions were hijacked by christianity and applied in a fearmongering campaign to convert the practicing pagans to early christianity. The reason I bring this up is to illustrate one small connection to occult practices that Joe had picked up from his father. The completion of each 13 week season on the occult calendar, meant 6+7, flesh was whole and complete with divinity and a new cycle of life began. Well, the final equinox, known as autumnal or minor sabbat, is called 'Mabon' by standard occult practices, and it requires a human sacrifice. This may have some explanation for why Joe said that he needed to bring somebody with him in order to get the plates. I don't sincerely think that Joe was going to sacrifice somebody, that's absurd, he was a much better person than that at this time. But the equinox change meant that it was time to reap what you have sewn all year up to this point as winter will soon be approaching, and autumnal equinox is known to be the most potent of all the equinoxes when it comes to getting your ritual to actually work. Let's continue to suspend reality for a second and put ourselves there on the night of September 21, 1827.
Joe and Emma had 'borrowed' Joseph Knight Srs. horse and carriage from the Smith house that night sometime after everybody went to sleep presumably. Not only is the whole family patiently waiting with high expectations of the night Joe is about to have, but they have been waiting for a couple years up to this point, and their monetary survival was almost dependent on Joe coming home with plates made of pure gold. They planned on charging admission for people to see the plates, and making enough money to support the family. Alvin, the chief bread-winner and eldest brother, had died unexpectedly two years ago, and Big Daddy Cheese wasn't much for manual labor for money, or just finding a job in general. Any income brought in to the family was by odd-jobs that Joe, Hyrum, or Sam were doing in between hunting for treasure. The whole family is living in rags and borrowing money, never to be repaid, from anybody that's willing to have a conversation with them.
In addition to these family pressures, Joe's treasure hunting buddy, Joseph Knight Sr., was sleeping at the Smith house that night because he had a financial stake in the golden bible being authentic. It all comes down to this night. Can Joe get the plates and the Urim and Thummim in the chestplate, just like he said he could for so long now? Unfortunately, we don't know much about what happened that night, as Joe didn't record what was going on. We know that Emma was sitting in the carriage all night praying for Joe to get the plates, and his mother was back at home doing the same thing, but we will never know what Joe was really doing up on that hill.
Joe and Emma make their way back home just after the sun was rising on September 22. Before they arrive, there was a bit of conversation going on, about Joe's whereabouts, involving Big Daddy Cheese, Lucy, and Joseph Knight, that we have record of. This is taken from multiple sources and sythesized into one interaction, the way it most makes sense as taking place.
The family was gathering for breakfast, but Joe and Emma were absent at this moment. Of course, Big Daddy Cheese (Joseph Smith Sr.) was excited and anxious to find out what had happened during the night, and attempted to summon Joe to breakfast with the rest of the family. Lucy covered for Joe because she knew he wasn't back yet, but didn't want to divulge her doubts about Joe's success and thus, the outcome of the night, to the rest of the family. She quickly told Big Daddy Cheese that she would prefer that Joe take breakfast with his wife.
Big Daddy Cheese replied, "No, no, I must have him come down here and eat with me" in an insistent manner.
Lucy replied, "Well, now, Mr. Smith, Do let him eat with his wife this morning; he almost always takes breakfast with you."
At this point Big Daddy Cheese consented to his wife's request, and began eating breakfast with the rest of the family, absent the newlyweds.
Joseph Knight Sr., who had stayed the night with the Smiths, decided he wanted to go home, presumably considering the night a failure, and a waste of time by then. He goes to look for his horse, and can't find it. There are others horses around the pasture, but his, is nowhere to be found. He was still unaware of Joe and Emma having temporarily borrowed it without his permission.
He comes bursting back in to the house and says with a disgruntled look on his face, "Why Mr. Smith, my horse is gone, and I can't find him on the premises, and I wish to start for home in half an hour".
At this point, Lucy interjected, "Never mind the horse, Mr. Knight does not know all the nooks and corners of the pastures; I will call William, (Joe's little bro.) and he will bring the horse immediately". Totally covering because she knew the trouble that was brewing. If Joe stole his money-digger buddy's horse and carriage, to go get the highly anticipated gold plates, and returned empty handed again this year, Joseph Knight Sr. Might do something that expresses just how disappointed in Joe's actions he really was.
Joseph Knight Sr. Went outside to see if he could find the carriage anywhere, but it was missing as well. He came back inside and announced that it was missing just like his horse was, and drew the accurate conclusion that both it, and the horse had been stolen by somebody. I'm willing to bet that he had an idea who stole it, but we'll get to that.
Lucy assured him that he had no reason to assume that anybody took his horse and carriage, and that William would be arriving soon with both of them. She recommended that him and Big Daddy Cheese go outside to wait for William to arrive. Both men go outside and talk for a little while, when lo, and behold.
Joe and Emma come rolling up in the missing property that Joseph Knight Sr. Was so concerned about, thus confirming his suspicions of somebody stealing it, even if it was only temporary.
Joseph Knight Sr. And Big Daddy Cheese were understandably amazed to see this occurence, especially because Joe wasn't carrying golden plates with him like everybody knew he would be. Joe unhitched the carriage and turned the horse out to graze. He and Emma walked past the conversing gentlemen, who were awe and confusion struck, without saying a word.
The most interesting thing here is, Joe wasn't empty handed. This is probably why Joe was able to walk past Joseph Knight Sr. Without saying a word, and Joseph Knight Sr. Didn't totally blow up about Joe using his horse and carriage without permission
Joe wasn't carrying a book, or golden plates, or anything that anybody expected, but he did have a small something wrapped in a handkerchef. Upon entering the house, Lucy could see that Joe wasn't hefting into the house what he had so long promised to attain, and Lucy feared the worst. She became extremely upset and started to shake uncontrollably from her hysteria. She stood up to leave the room, so as not to make a scene in front of the family, because she had not forgotten the first failure, and didn't want to hear the same story of failure again.
Joe stopped her, and here we get a small glimpse into the personality of the real Joe. "Do not be uneasy mother, all is right-see here, I have got a key". This undoubtedly settled her uneasiness momentarily.
Lucy continues in her memior, which is the source most of this situation is reconstructed from. "1 knew not what he meant, but took the article of which he spoke into my hands, and upon examination found that it consisted of two smooth three cornered diamonds set in glass and the glasses were set in silver bows which were connected with each other in much the same way as old fashioned spectacles. He took them again and left me but said nothing respecting the record".
We don't have any other record of Joe showing that pair of spectacles to anybody else, ever. But, what we do have is Joe talking to Joseph Knight Sr., after the excitement of the morning died down, and Joe and Emma had eaten breakfast.
Joseph Knight Sr. Recounts the tale as such.
"After Brackfirst Joseph Cald me into the other Room and he set his foot on the Bed and leaned his head on his hand and says, "Well I am Dissopinted. "Well," say I, "I am sorrey." "Well," says he, "I am grateley Dissopinted; it is ten times Better then I expected." Then he went on to tell the length and width and thickness of the plates, and said he, "they appear to be Gold." But he seamed to think more of the glasses or the urim and thummem then [than] he Did of the Plates, for, says he, "I can see anything; they are Marvelus. Now they are written in Caracters and I want them translated." (referring to the plates)
Joe was all-in at this point, and there was no going back. Personally, I believe that was because he finally had a working set of plates that could pass a simple weight and textile evaluation, even if they couldn't quite pass a direct visual examination. Even if Joe didn't have the completed set, he must have been close to finishing it, because he had asked his Mom, Lucy, if she knew where he could get a chest with a lock on it. He had to be certain that nobody would be able to take them, once he got them home, and he certainly didn't want anybody in the house sneaking any peeks at the plates without Joe's direct supervision and commentary.
I believe I said in the last episode that Joe asked Mason Chase to make a box for him to contain the plates in, well I was mistaken. Mason is Willard Chase's brother, and these guys hired Joe and Alvin to help them dig a well, where Joe found his lucky seer stone that he used for his entire life. The man Joe petitioned for assistance in making the box was Willard Chase, not Mason Chase. Willard was the town cabinet maker/carpenter, that had done some work for the Smith family in the past, making furniture for Joe's older sister Sophronia. Lucy sent Joe to Willard, saying that the family would pay for services rendered in the usual way, meaning half food and produce items, and half actual money. The history Joe has with Willard Chase kinda ends up fucking Joe over. I can try to paraphrase, but Willard Chase says everything so well himself, and does a good job of summing up the storyline up to this point. I'm going to read from Mormonism Unveiled by E.D. Howe which contains this letter from Willard himself.
(Read loc 3078-3146)
We were only really concerned with the last two paragraphs of that letter, but I included the beginning of the letter, because it really ties everything in together and provides a secondary account for lots of things we've talked about in episodes so far, and it's being read from a book published in 1834 quoting a handwritten letter by Willard Chase who had a first or second hand account of everything he talked about, and the letter was notorized by Fred K Smith, Justice of the peace Wayne county, N.Y., on December 11, 1833. Have I mentioned that I love how accessible and abundant the history of the LDS church is lately? We can virtually travel through time and see Joseph Smith through the eyes of the people that were there. We don't have to view him with the crushing sense of disconnectedness, that so many historical examinations are plagued by, because Joe was exciting enough to write about, when people associated with him. Luckily, a lot of those people, left behind little gems just like Willard Chase does here, for us to read and examine nowdays. Willard does such a good job, that I'm just going to let him advance the storyline to the next big event, Joe bringing the plates home.
(Read loc 3146-3152 ending with "he then observed")
Joe had to get the plates home somehow. I personally don't think he had his mock set of plates completed by this time. Looking at the historical record, it would be hard for Joe to have done anything relating to the plates, without having a tangible set that met the expectations of the people that were interested in them. Much like a magician never really shows his or her trick closely or slowly enough to catch, everything is done behind a viel of some sort. While most magicians use a tophat with a false bottom, or a box that people can lay down in and supposedly get cut in half, Joe had his own set of magician props. He had a set of plates, these glasses that he made from wire and two rocks that he showed his mom, a box and a handkerchief, and a WHOOOLE lot of charm, and convincing wit. But I don't think he was ready to bring his set home on September 22, due to many possible reasons. Maybe he wasn't done with them, maybe he hadn't even started on them yet, or perhaps, he was afraid of Joseph Knight Sr. And Big Daddy Cheese, examining the plates with a skeptical eye or, god forbid, demanding to see them without any handkerchief covering. Regardless, he needed more time, and he made that time by bringing home a concession suvenier, the Urim and Thummim, which he supposedly could see anything he wanted with.
So after Joe reportedly pulled the plates out of the ground, he supposedly stashed them in a tree or a log somewhere nearby. Then, Joe went to a town called Macedon to work for 10 days. Word travelled around that somebody, probably his fellow money-diggers, had found and taken possession of Joe's plates that were securely hidden in the woods.
As soon as Emma told Joe about this, he hauled ass home, drank a cup of tea, and walked a couple miles to get the plates from the log, to make sure nobody stole them. He grabbed the plates and wrapped them up in his jacket and threw them under his arm and starts walking.
Let me take a moment and try to analyze this. Let's hear how Joe described the plates and see if we can draw some sort of conclusion here. This was a letter written by Joe himself as editor of the Times and Seasons newspaper in Nauvoo in 1842. The whole thing is basically the history of the church in a nutshell, but he describes the plates in elaborate detail, and we can construct a mental model of them from the description.
These records were engraven on plates which had the appearance of gold. Each plate was six inches wide and eight inches long, and not quite so thick as common tin. They were filled with engravings, in Egyptian characters, and bound together in a volume as the leaves of a book, with three rings running through the whole. The volume was something near six inches in thickness, a part of which was sealed. The characters on the unsealed part were small, and beautifully engraved. The whole book exhibited many marks of antiquity in its construction and much skill in the art of engraving. With the records was found a curious instrument, which the ancients called “Urim and Thummim,” which consisted of two transparent stones set in the rims of a bow fastened to a breastplate. Through the medium of the Urim and Thummim I translated the record by the gift and power of God.
A solid block of iron by those dimensions, would weight over 80 lbs. The book probably wasn't solid, and had some space in between the plates, so we can reduce that by a bit. This makes various people's claims of them being between 40 to 60 lbs fairly valid and explicable. A problem we have with this, is the difference between gold and iron. Gold is much denser and further down on the table of elements, which is why it's heavier than simple iron. A block of gold with the dimensions that Joe provided, would weigh some 230 lbs, and wouldn't be very easy to carry under one arm. But, sheet tin and iron were heavily used in in those days, and Joe could have found some scraps, or purchased/stolen a few bulk size sheets, and cut a set of plates and ran a wire through some holes he punched. This fits in the size and weight range described, but Gold would have been so heavy and unmanageable, not to mention the softness of gold, would lose the engravings after so much manipulation. That's a conclusion that provides explanatory power for the entire circumstance, and doesn't require any intervention of strength reinforcement from a supernatural being, for Joe to carry more than his own weight in gold 2 miles home through the wilderness.
But, for the sake of what the reported history is, let's continue to suspend reality again, and say that Joe had these gold plates, they weighed a lot, but by some magic juju they only weigh a quarter of what they should in the real world. Let's just say that Joe had these 50 lb plates of gold under his arm and began walking home with them. He was attacked by three guys in the woods, two of which had guns. The first one was waiting behind a log, and as soon as Joe stepped over it, the attacker sprung out from behind a tree and hit Joe on the back of his head with the butt of the his gun.
Joe recoiled from the blow and turned to face his attacker. With 50 lbs of sheet metal under his arm, Joe threw a one-armed punch at the man and knocked his ass flat out with his god-power infused megapunch! At that point, Joe began to run at top speed fearing a similar incident would ensue later on his journey.
Well, he was right, and the second man attacked him, we aren't told if this rogue had a gun or not at this point. But Joe threw another one armed megapunch and knocked this mutherfucker out with a single punch too, presumably while still running at top speed with the 50 lb plates under his arm.
As Joe was nearing his house closer and closer, a third attacker appeared from behind him. This may have been the first attacker with the same gun, or it may have been a third person entirely, but, if it was the first person, he's kind of a dumbshit, because he hits Joe on the back of the head again with the butt of his gun. Joe of course was unphased, by this third attack, and turns around and issues his third god-infused megapunch of the night, and knocks this guys ass out, but this knock-out didn't quite go like the others. Joe dislocated his thumb during this particular scuffle, which he ends up asking Big Daddy Cheese to reset once he does get home.
After Joe deals with the third attacker, whether it was the same person as the first attacker, or it was a third person all together is of little consequence, because Joe continues to run at full speed with the secured plates until he gets home. Once he gets to the Smith property line, he collapses on the lawn outside of his house to regain his breath momentarily.
After taking this moment to reflect on what happened and rest, Joe goes into the house still understandably out of breath, but with the plates intact, and unharmed, wrapped in a jacket under his arm. Lucy directed Don Carlos (Joe's youngest brother) to get the wooden box out of his room to put the plates in, which he did accordingly.
Let's take a look at the effect this story had on the Smith family regarding the plates. Joe had told everybody in the family, that there would be people with evil designs to obtain the plates, which was a self-fulfilling prophecy, made after he was already persecuted for his actions concerning the plates. Unfortunately, his money-digger friends, wanted a piece of the plates as they considered themselves having share in profit of the plates. The phrase 'There's no honor among thieves' comes to mind when we examine how Joe uses these people to get things done, and then doesn't uphold his end of the bargain.
No matter what was in the jacket that Joe brought home, he and his family were against opposition from multiple people, which somehow validates everything that Joe was doing, as being holy and a mission from God. You see, it's easy to dichotomize yourself, when you're being opposed by somebody. Most people see themselves as the good guy of their own story, and all opposers are the evil and unenlightened ones. This is made abundantly apparent throughout history as it has happened with every religion or cult ever, and we all experience that us-vs.-them mentality on a day to day basis, no matter how menial the distinction is, that separates groups of people involved.
I'm a truck driver and I fucking hate prius drivers, because they all seem to drive the same way. Poor snow driving techniques, hanging out in the fast lane while going slower than everybody else, taking FOREVER to turn from the main traffic lanes into their destination forcing everybody to come to a complete stop behind them for NO FUCKING REASON!!! But, as soon as that person steps out of the prius, the distinction is gone and I can be best friends with that person. This is just a small example, to show how meaningless these societal distinctions are, and how easy it is to villify the other guy. But these dichotomies, can serve to create a false us vs them mentality that doesn't seem to help anybody, and only seems to infuriate the oppressed, or persecuted side.
Well, the same thing was happening with the Smith family. Now, whether or not those men in the woods acutally existed, and actually attacked Joe, and actually couldn't overpower him even though he was carrying a heavy package, and they had guns, it doesn't really matter. Because these stories that Joe regaled everybody with and provided broken thumb evidence for, united the family under the almighty Joseph Smith. And whatever Joe said, was straight from the mouth of God himself, and beared no reason for questioning, or rebuttal, and thus we see the genesis of a madman cult leader.
We have a lot more to cover concerning Joe and the interrum period between attaining the plates, and getting to the Whitmer house to complete the 'translation' of the plates, and that period of time will be the focus of next episode. As for now, I have expended my usual time limit, and I haven't even addressed audience correspondence yet. So I'll do that now.
As for listener mail, I have been getting quite a bit of correspondence and critiques from people, and I appreciate every one of them. Among various praise for the show, there have been a few critiques that I want to address really quickly.
There've been a few people that have said, they don't like the nicknames that I'm using for the various heavy hitters in the church. But, for every person that has sent me a message about disliking the names, I have recieved just as many people saying that they like them, so let me just address the issue really quick. When I call Martin Harris, Not-So-Smarty-Marty or Oliver Cowdery, Cowdung Allover, there are a few reasons behind it. When you're examining the history of the church, it's really easy to divorce yourself from the people that were involved, and look at the situations singularly, and unrealted to the people that were involved with each situation. While that is a scholarly historical approach, and helps to remove bias, that's not necessarily the scope of this podcast. One thing I have mentioned a few times in the show is how abundant and available the information about the history of the church is. Many people have done a very historically responsible analysis of the church, but what I get to do, is stand in the shoes of the people that were there. When you relate to somebody with a nickname, as opposed to their formal name, that somebody instantly becomes a person in the mind of the listener. You can construct your own picture of the people we're talking about, and relate to them and their actions. So while some of the names might be a little lame, or they might not roll off the tongue very well, soon everybody involved will have their own nickname, and you'll be able to really put yourself into the shoes of everybody, and relate a little better. So I'm keeping the nicknames for the sake of the show, and to help listeners empathize with the historical people. But I will occassionally switch back and forth between their formal names, and their nicknames multiple times each episode, so they become familiar in either respect.
The next critique I need to address is the fact that I swear occassionally and proudly bear the explicit tag. A few people have said that they really don't appreciate the swearing or rants, as it doesn't seem entirely necessary for what's being said. There have been quite a few times that I've gone on rants that were very substandard, and I'll make adjustments in light of that fact. However, I don't make any excuses for the fact that I hold a bit of vitriol for the church, and that anger does show through when I'm talking about a topic that gets me riled up, or is very near to me. Often times when I allow myself to get too involved in the rant, my tone of voice escalates in an almost childish manner. I do apologize for allowing my emotions to invade into the narrative too heavily, and I will be toning it down in future episodes, but the swearing stays. You see, I'm not just doing this podcast because I researched a bunch of interesting information about Mormonism, and want other people to have it, I also need the catharsis that comes along with the show. I personally feel lied to for the first 17 years of my life, and it feels so good to call out the organization, and people that orchestrated, and perpetuated these lies, and use their own history to do it. If I'm doing a historical analysis, and can't add my own thoughts and feelings into it, what is the point of even doing the show. The reason this show is unique, is because it's given from an Ex-Mormon perspective and has a genuine human nature to it, as opposed to being a simple rescitation facts. That's why I'm trying to offer so much more than just a dry repetition of what happened without any personality or feeling of being genuine. Hopefully that serves to explain why I rant the way I do, and I hope everybody will bear with me as I practice my delivery methods, to be the most poingnant and entertaining, while still keeping the abraisive, yet therapeutic nature of the show intact.
Next I wanted to thank a few people for their correspondence. There have been a few people that have made me aware of information that I knew nothing about, and I really look forward to conveying it in a well informed manner when the time comes. Hal Prentice told me all about the breakoff factions stemming from the RLDS church, and a facebook profile called God's avatars turned me onto the tracks of the slaughter of a Native American tribe called the Wasahki. Some 400 men women and children massacred in one night, among multiple other skuttles that resulted in lots of Native deaths. Miraculously the members of the tribe that remained alive after the massacre and multiple battles, converted to the church and fell under Bloody Brigham's rule. As per usual, when this information comes up in the storyline, I will examine it in depth, and give props to the people that were responsible for making me aware of the information. Regardless, I did want to thank everybody that has told me some crazy Mormon shit. I didn't include everything that's been referred to me in this, becuase I can't tell you guys everything crazy right off the bat, but information like this, really helps with the shock factor of the show and I love to find anything like this out along my journey of research, so thank you to everybody that's corresponded.
I guess that about does it for this episode, check out my facebook, twitter and patreon page which I'll include links for in the show notes. There is one last thing I did want to tell everybody about, I'm going to be a guest on a video podcast called Athiest's on air: Beyond the Trailerpark. They will be doing a Mormon Mania episode with David Michael from the My BoM podcast and me to talk everything Mormon. I'm pretty excited for that, and it'll be live Jan 12th 9:30 EST on google hangouts and youtube. So if you want to see me talking in conversation about crazy mormon shit, instead of just a diatribe, join us live or you can download it from iTunes or spreaker later. Thank you for joining me, and I hope to talk at ya again, here on the Naked Mormonism Podcast.
A little bonus content this episode. It's been a while since I've included a bonus at the end, so I figured I would share a little more of what Peter Ingersoll said, later in his letter that I quoted earlier in the episode.
One circumstance occurred on the road, worthy of
notice, and I believe this is the only instance where Jo ever
exhibited true yankee wit. On our journey to Pennsylvania, we
could not make the exact change at the toll gate near Ithaca.
Joseph told the gate tender, that he would "hand" him the toll on
his return, as he was coming back in a few days. On our return,
Joseph tendered to him 25 cents, the toll being 12 1/2. He did not
recognize Smith, so he accordingly gave him back the 12 1/2
cents. After we had passed the gate, I asked him if he did not
agree to pay double gatage on our return? No, said he, I agreed to
"hand" it to him, and I did, but he handed it back again. One day he came,
and greeted me with a joyful countenance. -- Upon asking the
cause of his unusual happiness, he replied in the following
language: "As I was passing, yesterday, across the woods, after
a heavy shower of rain, I found, in a hollow, some beautiful white
sand, that had been washed up by the water. I took off my frock,
and tied up several quarts of it, and then went home. On my
entering the house, I found the family at the table eating dinner. They were all
anxious to know the contents of my frock. At that moment, I
happened to think of what I had heard about a history found in
Canada, called the golden Bible; so I very gravely told them it was
the golden Bible. To my surprise, they were credulous enough to
believe what I said. Accordingly I told them that I had received a
commandment to let no one see it, for, says I, no man can see
it with the naked eye and live. However, I offered to take out the
book and show it to them, but they refuse to see it, and left the
room." Now, said Jo, "I have got the damned fools fixed, and will
carry out the fun." Notwithstanding, he told me he had no such
book, and believed there never was any such book, yet, he told
me that he actually went to Willard Chase, to get him to make a
chest, in which he might deposit his golden Bible. But, as Chase
would not do it, he made a box himself, of clap-boards, and put it
into a pillow case, and allowed people only to lift it, and feel of it
through the case.
Copyright Ground Gnomes LLC subject to fair use. Citation example: "Naked Mormonism Podcast (or NMP), Ep #, original air date 01/02/2015"